The Star Online: Metro: Central
The Star Online: Metro: Central |
| Single mothers have to play many roles in bringing up their children Posted: 11 May 2013 04:43 AM PDT RAISING children is not easy, even for couples. This Mother's Day, three women share their trials and tribulations in raising children as single mothers and overcoming the odds. One such single mother is Sophia Chow, who believes that communication, discipline, efficiency and effectiveness are key traits that single parents should have. "Women of this generation play multiple roles — whether in a marriage or otherwise. "As a single parent, we have to play the role of both mother and father, good cop and bad cop. "We have to assure our children that we are accessible at all times. "We need to stress that the separation had nothing to do with the children — that they still have their mother and father, even though we are no longer husband and wife." Chow, 38, and her husband mutually agreed to separate and divorce two years ago due to incompatibility. "After much discussion, including considering the children's interests, we agreed to part ways," said the senior principal (regulatory) with a telecommunications company. "However, our children — Aidan, 10 and Lauren Hoh, seven, still spend time with their father whom they see at least once a week. "They are constantly in contact with him, and know that they can call him anytime and vice-versa." Chow said she has always been working, even when her children came along, as she personally needed the mental stimulation and outside interaction to be a better mother. "I rely on a maid and day-care service for the day-to-day care of my children. "I am blessed with wonderful support from family, friends and neighbours, who help with everything, from picking the children up when the transporter service is unavailable. Chow's advice to other single parents is to stay positive. "Your ultimate focus should be in the best interests of your children and their future. "Be positive in your attitude towards life and remember that you are a living example for your children. "If you cannot move forward from a bad break-up, it will affect them. "There will always be obstacles and challenges, but if you use your children as your anchor in life, these obstacles and challenges will merely serve as speedbumps." On how they celebrate Mother's Day, Chow said they like to go outdoors to do different and fun things together. "We do not need a special day to spend time together, but we do make the effort to plan something for Mother's Day. "For previous Mother's Days, we have baked cupcakes together, gone on a road trip and picnic, and went on a Skytrex adventure activity. "The children also give me handmade and thoughtful gifts like cards and bracelet, and try to give me a few hours off for personal 'me' time." Shikin Shuriani Shukor, meanwhile, credits her mother-in-law for being her pillar of strength and reality check. "As my husband was an only child and his father had also passed away, my mother-in-law moved in with me to my new place in Puchong. "She takes care of my children — Mohamed Eiman Rayyan Mohd Alfian, seven and Tya Orked Mohd Alfian, four — and handles the home affairs. "We swap roles during the weekend, so she can rest. Shikin is grateful for having a strong support system from her extended family, neighbours and colleagues, who helped her to cope after her husband passed away suddenly in late 2009. "I tried to resume work after his death but I had to leave my job almost immediately as I wanted to be fair to all parties involved. "I needed to move on but was not sure how. "The only thing that kept me going was my children." Shikin decided it would be better to take a break after a seven-year stint doing marketing and corporate communications, during which she was presented the opportunity to indulge in her passion for cooking and start a cafe. She rejoined the corporate sector for a while, but left to focus on getting her son prepared for school. Shikin, 33, has since become self-employed, dabbling in businesses in printing, branding consultancy and advertising. "I do not see doing many different things during the many phases of my life as being a failure or a quitter. "Rather, the experience, knowledge and skills that I have acquired along the way has been of great value in developing multiple talents that I am confident will benefit my positioning in the future." Shikin spends time with her children during weekends by going out for movies, picnics and barbecues, or even weekend getaways. "I dedicate Mother's Day to my mother and mother-in-law, both of whom gave me unwavering support as I underwent different phases, and made it possible for me to continue performing my duties. "I usually spend Mother's Day at a lunch or hi-tea with my mother-in-law and fellow mothers, most of whom are single mothers. "This group of single mothers have inevitably become my support network as we understand each other better than anyone else." To couples who are considering divorce, Shikin said that should be a last option. "However, don't play victim and look at it as a failure when you become a single parent. "Look at it as an opportunity to become better." For May Chan, the best Mother's Day gift was when her daughter, Kimberley Tey, scored 10 As in last year's SPM examination. "Kimberley was granted full scholarship for A-Levels at TAR College, Kuala Lumpur. "She intends to pursue a course in pharmacy. "I miss her a lot as she stays on campus. But she comes home on weekends and we are in constant contact daily." Chan, a kindergarten manager in her mid-40's, has been pretty independent since getting married 20 years ago, and continued to serve as the head of the house after the divorce 10 years back. "As my ex-husband was travelling for work for long periods, I had to quickly adapt and learn to do things on my own, like managing the children, running errands and calling repairmen to fix things. "The biggest change after the divorce was our financial status. "I had to be more prudent and adopt a more thrifty lifestyle. "Priority for shopping always went to the children first — for their books, stationery and clothes. "But we were still able to eat out once a week. Chan was left to fend for her family on her own, as her immediate family stayed in different cities and she did not have any friends in a town new to her. A couple of years after the divorce, she started taking her children to Sunday school at Evangelical Free Church, Subang Jaya, and they became regulars at the weekly Sunday service. "The church congregation be-came my support network. "One church member who stayed nearby helped babysit my children when they came back from school. "If anybody asks me how I am able to cope, I reply that my faith in God and my children keeps me going." Chan credits her children, Kimberley, 18, and Bentley, 15, as her pillars of strength. "Kimberley has been very independent from a young age. "She knew how to read my emotions, and helped discipline her brother when he misbehaved." Both of Chan's children learnt to do chores from young, and are able to do the laundry, dishes, cleaning and cooking independently. "Kimberley even worked part-time at my workplace during the school holidays, and saved up money to buy a handphone. "My children usually take me out for a treat and give me a break from chores on Mother's Day. They will take me out for a meal using the money saved from their allowance." Chan said her children also keep in touch with their father. "My advice to other single parents is to be strong, be grateful and, particularly for women, to learn to be independent early on. "Be thankful for your children. Have faith and stay positive, and don't worry too much as things will eventually work out on their own." Related Stories: |
| Single mother pulls out all the stops for her children Posted: 11 May 2013 04:44 AM PDT NORZITA Hussin, 41, was forced to be independent when her husband passed away after battling liver cancer four years ago. "At that point, my husband, who worked as a personal driver, was our family's sole breadwinner. "My world came crashing down after that as I was reliant on him to do everything while I focused on raising our four children." After his death, Norzita's friends and neighbours from her close-knit community in Taman Puchong Perdana, Puchong, as well as her family, rallied around her. "They made sure I was never alone. They would pop by to say hello and see how my children are doing. "In the one year after my husband's passing, I had to quickly learn everything on my own — get a driving licence, acquire the basics of entrepreneurship, and enhance my cooking and sewing skills through formal classes. "These lessons were paid for using my savings and financial assistance from my family. "I then started a home-based business supplying nasi lemak and sewing baju kurung." The housewife turned entrepreneur has four children — Nik Muhd Hafiz Nik Suhaimi, 18, Nik Muhd Hazim Nik Suhaimi, 15, Nurul Izzah Nik Suhaimi, 13, and Nurul Ain Nasirah Nik Suhaimi, six. "It was initially difficult to cope with the loss of my husband and waking up early to prepare nasi lemak that are sold at nearby stalls. "I have to be up as early as 3am on weekends, and 4am on weekdays, to do the necessary preparations and cooking. "I usually sell about 40 packets on weekdays, and 60 to 70 packets on weekends. "I also supply nasi lemak when I get orders for functions. "In the couple of months leading up to Hari Raya Puasa, I will also take in orders for baju kurung." After the daily business aspect is taken care of, Norzita will focus on getting her children ready for school and tidy up her house. The profits from her businesses are channelled to her household and children's expenses. Norzita's future plans include expanding her sewing skills to make modern baju kurung, tunics and dresses, and opening her own shop. On her Mother's Day celebration, she said: "We'll just celebrate with a simple cake-cutting at home. "It is been difficult for me to play the dual role of both mother and father. "But shouldering these heavy responsibilities has made me more independent and a more useful person. "To my fellow single parents, I would advise them to keep their spirits up, never give up and think positive. "I also strongly advise women to pick up some living skills and not be overly reliant on their partners as we can never predict the future." Related Stories: |
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