The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting
The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting |
| Posted: 22 Jun 2011 04:42 AM PDT Bullies dominate, blame and use others. But the good thing is, they are not born that way. SHE was dumped in a rubbish bin on a street corner by a group of boys from her class while the girls laughed mercilessly at her. She was mortified, and at the tender age of 14 was left feeling worthless. She was the future Lady Gaga. The world-famous American pop star isn't the first – nor will she be the last – celebrity to publicly admit to being a victim of bullies at school. Indeed, school bullying is rampant. Students in the United States are not spared. When he was young, superstar Tom Cruise, too, was bullied because he was dyslexic. Megan Fox was teased and called names because she wanted to be an actress. Olympic swimming champion Michael Phelps, despite his big built, was also victimised. Ironically, he was mocked because of his tall, gangly form and the fact that he was a swimmer instead of a footballer! Closer to home, there was the recent saga involving four teenage girls of a secondary school in Kepong, Kuala Lumpur, whose humiliating bullying of their classmate created an uproar when it was filmed and uploaded on YouTube. A 14-day suspension imposed on the perpetrators, a cup of tea and a word of apology may have provided some form of closure but many are still asking, "How can such a thing happen?" Let's examine the scourge. Bullying is when a person's behaviour is purposely meant to harm or disturb another person. It is not the same as "aggression" or "violence", although elements of these may be present when bullying occurs. It is not simply a desire to hurt. Bullying is actual hurtful behaviour directed by more powerful individuals or groups against those who are less powerful. It is typically repeated, often enjoyed by the bully or bullies, never justified. It is experienced as oppression. Types of bullying include verbal belittling regarding religion, race, looks, or speech; hitting, pushing or slapping; rumours; and sexual comments or gestures. An indirect way of bullying prevalent among teens is forming their own cliques and intentionally isolating the "outcast". Psychologists used to believe that bullies have low self-esteem, and thus, tend to put down other people to feel better about themselves. While many bullies are themselves bullied at home or at school, new research shows that most bullies actually have excellent self-esteem. Bullies usually have a sense of entitlement and superiority over others. They lack compassion, impulse control and social skills. They enjoy being cruel to others and sometimes use bullying as an anger management tool, the way a normally angry person would punch a pillow. All bullies have certain attitudes and behaviours in common. Bullies dominate, blame and use others. They have contempt for the weak and view them as their prey. They lack empathy and foresight, and do not accept responsibility for their actions. They are concerned only about themselves and crave attention. The good thing is, bullies are not born that way, although certain traits such as impulsiveness and aggression may be predisposing factors. But this does not mean that they will automatically become a bully. Bullying is a learned behaviour, not a character trait. Bullies can learn new ways to curb their aggression and handle conflicts. Bullies come from all backgrounds, and girls are just as likely as boys to bully and abuse others verbally, although boys are three times more likely to be physically abusive. Different homes, different bullies Interestingly, author Susan Coloraso suggests that there are different types of bullies produced in different homes: > The hyperactive bully who does not understand social cues and therefore reacts inappropriately and often physically. > The detached bully plans his attacks and is charming to everyone but his victims. > The social bully has a poor sense of self and manipulates others through gossip and meanness. > The bullied bully gets relief from his own sense of helplessness by overpowering others. Family upbringing and parenting have a big part to play. A bully's parents may be permissive and unable to set limits on their child's behaviour. His parents may themselves have been abused as children and view disciplinary measures as a form of child abuse. As a result, the child never internalises rules of conduct or respect for authority. On the other hand, self-centred, neglectful parents can create a cold, calculating bully. Since no one takes an interest in his life, he abuses others to get attention. His bullying can be planned and relentless, as he constantly humiliates his victim, often getting other children to join him. As if the act of bullying is not enough, the bully uploads it onto social media to "show off" his "achievements", thereby getting maximum attention and bringing ultimate shame to his victims. There are yet others who are from relatively healthy families who participate in the act of bullying due to peer pressure and in the name of fun, without realising the serious implication. Indeed, there are many reasons for bullying. The key is that in understanding it, we hope to prevent it. Lady Gaga has expressed empathy with teenagers who are bullied at school. "Bullying really stays with you your whole life, and it really, really never goes away," she has said. When you listen to her songs and watch her performances – beyond her fame, popularity and eccentricity – one cannot help but wonder if she is still hurting.... • Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children. |
| More rewarding to be with family Posted: 21 Jun 2011 07:56 PM PDT The writer may no longer travel to exciting places for work, but the journey with her family continues. I USED to travel a lot for work. My job as a writer took me to the far reaches of the earth. Well, I think New York and Paris are very, very far. I stayed at really nice hotels, went on exclusive media tours, ate good food and was generally treated very well, almost like a queen. I say almost because I have no idea how they would treat the Queen if she went on a writing assignment. All that stopped about two-and-a-half years ago, when I made the grand decision not to take overseas working trips, because I didn't want to be away from the rugrats. At first, it was just for one year after my second daughter was born. Then it stretched to two and now it's coming up to the third anniversary of my passport not being stamped. Do I miss the thrill and excitement that comes with every new travel assignment? Sometimes, when I hear my writer friends tell me they're off to Paris for fashion week, or to Corsica in the Mediterranean for a pampering beauty trip, or how they met the cool designers of Proenza Schouler when they went to New York to interview the two guys. OK, that last bit I made up, because if that opportunity ever comes up, it's bye bye girls, your mother has to work! Despite my brave, brave words, I haven't been tempted to lift my self-imposed travel ban, not even once. The truth is, I really cannot bear to leave my kids. My imagination kicks into all kinds of overdrive. What if they miss me so much they cry every day? What if even ice cream can't comfort them, or worse, what if it can? What if they wake up in the middle of the night sobbing for me? What if they are scarred for life because I abandon them for five nights? What if something happens while I am away? What if they forget about me? Yes, because I am superwoman. As long as I am around, everything will be fine. My kids will grow up to be well-adjusted, emotionally mature and over-achieving individuals because I never left on an overseas assignment. They will develop a cure for cancer and eradicate world hunger. It's all about logic. I do hope to drag my kids around the world eventually, when they are old enough and I am rich enough. The plan is to educate them about the world hands-on. Immerse them in the culture of the places we visit. Go on historical and nature trails, eat local food, talk to local people and round the whole thing off with a shopping spree. What? Shopping is part of the social fabric of mankind! Without shopping, there is no economy. No economy, no money. And we know money makes the world go round. And DON'T tell me it is the earth's axis and gravity that actually makes the world go round. Tell that to the economists. But seriously, I want to bring them on a month-long trip to Italy. For one thing, they won't starve. As it is now, they're pestering me to buy them Pizza Hut every day, and pasta is about the only thing I know how to cook for them. I want to take them to Milan, the fashion capital of the world, and home to Leonardo Da Vinci's Last Supper, show them the ancient ruins of Rome, and go on a gondola ride with them along the waterways of Venice. We'd check out the farmers' markets and eat real pizza and pasta. Actually, Italy was where I wanted to go for my honeymoon, but it never happened. Now, there's a mortgage to pay, kids to feed, and handbags to buy, all of which are making a huge dent in our savings. So really, the kids owe me this. It can be their first show of filial piety. I'm so proud. Tourism Italy, if you're reading this, let's work something out. • Elaine Dong, who has two daughters, blogs at www.angelolli.com and welcomes any travel suggestions (and sponsorships). |
| Posted: 21 Jun 2011 09:21 PM PDT SMALL children seem to be ill all the time – either with fever or cold. Sometimes it feels like an endless cycle if you have a few small children who keep passing a bug between them. Paediatrician Dr Foo Wang Leng says that children under three months are more prone to getting fevers as their immune system is not fully developed. She shares with ParenThots the do's and don'ts for small and older children with fever. Focus on the Family If a child is defiant in school, it is most probably because he has been allowed to get his way at home. Dr James Dobson says it is rare for a child who is normally compliant and well-behaved with his or her parents to become defiant and unco-operative in other settings. It's very likely that the parents have developed a pattern of giving in to the child's demands when he resists their authority or throws a tantrum. More advice on what to do is available at ParenThots. Parents write in Diana Chan writes about her experience as a new mother not knowing what to expect with her pregnancy or labour. If you have a parenting story to share, send it to parenthots@thestar.com.my. The best story wins DVDs courtesy of Berjaya HVN. Win Disney workbooks or encyclopaedia set If you want to win some Disney school skills workbooks or a nine-volume Grolier My Disney Encyclopedia, head on over to ParenThots. You could win the encyclopaedia set if you e-mail in your child's first curious question and the workbooks if you tell ParenThots how you encourage your child to read. Details can be found at ParenThots. |
| You are subscribed to email updates from The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting To stop receiving these emails, you may unsubscribe now. | Email delivery powered by Google |
| Google Inc., 20 West Kinzie, Chicago IL USA 60610 | |
0 ulasan:
Catat Ulasan