The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting
The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting |
| Posted: Lorcan Dillon has selective mutism — but just as his family feared he would never be able to talk in public, a cat changed everything. THE sight of their child beaming from ear to ear would make most parents happy, but when eight-year-old Lorcan Dillon smiles, his mother, Dillon, feels a maelstrom of emotions – even though he tends to produce a smile only for the family's cat. Lorcan was diagnosed with the social anxiety disorder selective mutism at the age of three, so when he grins, it masks a complex internal dialogue, one that his mum is always trying to decipher. "Is he trying to be appealing so he can disarm people," speculates Dillon, a 45-year-old former midwife, "or is he trying to look happy as a way of alleviating his anxiety?" Those who have the condition speak fluently in some situations but are frozen in silence in others. An early and competent talker at home, Lorcan's initial development betrayed few signs of his latent verbal reticence – until he went to nursery, where he simply stopped speaking. "At home, he has always been very loud and opinionated, so it was a huge shock when he went to nursery. And when we asked him why he wasn't speaking there, he just couldn't explain it and kept pointing to his throat." Reluctance to acclimatise to nursery education is common in three-year-olds, but Lorcan's sustained refusal to speak at school worried Dillon, particularly as her eldest son, Adam, had just been diagnosed with Asperger's syndrome. She says: "Perhaps because I'd read something about it, I mentioned selective mutism to Lorcan's teacher and she had already been looking into the possibility." According to the Selective Mutism Information and Research Association (smira.org.uk), the condition affects more than one in 165 children, and a speech therapist soon confirmed that Lorcan was one of them. Rather than apply pressure on him to try to find out why he was unable to speak in certain situations, Lorcan's nursery instigated a play-based plan to build his confidence, and he continued to make gradual progress. But moving up into reception class in September 2009, then into year one 12 months later, reversed his progress, closing the verbal shutters again. There were also signs that Lorcan was on the autistic spectrum – he disliked physical contact or cuddles, displayed little empathy, tended to take instructions literally and had never told his parents or brothers that he loved them. Then in September 2010, Dillon's ageing cat Flo died and the arrival of a new kitten proved an unlikely turning point for the Dillon family. Dillon says that Jess the cat made a difference straight away. "They were drawn to each other. Jess was this new, fascinating ball of fluff with big blue eyes and she would respond and meow to Lorcan and there was a huge link." Almost immediately, Lorcan began to cuddle Jess – soon renamed Jessi-cat – and, perhaps more remarkably, began to demonstrate a previously unseen protective empathy. The pair were soon inseparable and, six months after her arrival, Dillon heard her son voice three words she never thought she would hear him utter. "They were playing with the cat's favourite toy when Lorcan leaned over to her and just said, 'I love you, Jessi-cat,' then added, 'You are my best friend.' It was the first time he had ever said those three words. I shed a tear and was absolutely overjoyed. "People ask me if I'm upset that he said 'I love you' to a cat and not to me, but my hope is that he might learn to do that with people, eventually." Although Lorcan is still not communicating as freely at school, his confidence has flourished as his relationship with Jessi-cat has blossomed, and Dillon, who has given up work to concentrate on seeking the best care for Lorcan, is stoic about her son's uncertain future and its long-term impact on the family. "I've no idea what will happen until he hits puberty. He could be OK and just ever so slightly eccentric, or possibly not. We just don't know. But I'm not going to wallow in misery about the situation because it's not about me, it's about Lorcan and what choice have we got?" Lorcan has been silently engrossed in his iPad while his mother has been speaking. When asked a few simple questions, he remains politely silent, unlike Jessi-cat, whose intermittent meows continue to punctuate our conversation. So what would happen if Jessi-cat were no longer around to help nurture his emotional development? "She's only three," says Dillon, "so we're hoping Lorcan will be an adult by the time she dies." – Guardian News & Media Jessi-Cat: The Cat that Unlocked a Boy's Heart by Dillon Dillon is published by Michael O'Mara. |
| Posted: It's a gathering for dads to stand in solidarity as they take on fatherhood. IN just the last 24 months the term "dadchelor party" has been heard across the United States, in radio, TV and magazine articles. A lot of new families-to-be, as well as experienced mums and dads that already have one or more children, want to know: "Is it a good thing?" "Should we have one?" "Is it good for my marriage?" "Is it like a bachelor party?" "Why are dads doing this?" I have thoroughly researched the topic and in order to experience what the dadchelor party is truly all about, I hosted one for a friend, had one for myself and proudly hosted several dadchelor parties for celebrity dads as well. I can tell you beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are fun, great for male bonding, but more than anything help push the new daddy another step forward to be ready to engage himself as either a first time dad, or an experienced dad adding a new member to his expanding family. I firmly believe that any event that enables Dad to be ready to take one more step into the family arena for birth and beyond is good for the whole family. I can tell you first hand that new dads-to-be want to be involved in the process, but they are nervous, and sometimes afraid to ask questions. Simple things, like changing a diaper or swaddling, to the more difficult task of helping to calm the new baby, or even dealing with postpartum depression needs to be understood by Dad. After the first baby, it seems to get easier, but with each addition to the family the dynamic changes. I have heard parents say one baby seems like a "piece of cake" compared to having two, or having twins. But to the family with their first newborn baby, it is a life changing and sometimes overwhelming event that truly requires a team effort. Thus the birth of what is now known as the "dadchelor party". This is not about going to Vegas, doing shots of tequila and making improper decisions. It is about bonding with your guy friends one last time before "daddy-lock-down", as well as getting some good and fun "dad advice" and information from other dad friends at the party. First let's look at the daddy-lockdown. A first-time dad quite often does not realise that from the last month of pregnancy through about the third month of life, the family unit will go into shutdown mode. The last month of pregnancy becomes a waiting period. The Braxton-Hicks contractions (sporadic contractions that are not true labor contractions) start up, the baby can nearly double in size, mum often has trouble walking, sitting and sleeping, and every burp causes concern about the baby. Babies can come anytime once that last month starts, so everyone has to be constantly ready to go. The first three months of life will take some getting used to for everyone. The first month will pass in a blur, and it will get easier after that. For the new dad, this means a complete change in lifestyle, going to the gym on Saturday morning, or hanging out at a sporting event during a weeknight needs to be put aside at least for the next four months. So, the dadchelor party is the night to say thanks to the guys, and remind them that you will not see them for the next 120 days. However, if Dad really has some great friends, then they will set up a meal schedule and each of them will take a turn at bringing over some food during the "lockdown", at least then they can say "hi", offer to run an errand, or just say "hang in there." The other important part of the dadchelor party is the advice from current dads. Sometimes the most simple of questions goes unanswered and becomes a worry. Well, that is where the dad-advice comes into play. Listen up to the experienced dads at the party and discover that you are not alone, there are a lot of commonalities in Dad's role of raising children, going through labor and delivery, and learning how to integrate a new child into your family. This is the time to not only hear firsthand, but to feel like you have someone you can reach out to during "daddy-lockdown" if you need some further help or advice. For my dadchelor party, we got together with about 14 dads and played Texas Hold Em', drank some beer and wine, and I got a few "gag" gifts as well as some useful items. Since I was a dad-to-be with No.7, I was celebrating with my guy friends and reminding them I would not see them for the next four months. For the dadchelor party I threw for a friend, we went skeet shooting, held a contest, ate BBQ and had a few beers. Everyone stood up, and rather than giving a toast, they gave a piece of advice, sometimes in a funny or teasing way. There is nothing more important than getting the new or experienced dad-to-be engaged in the process of giving birth and having a new baby added to the family unit. I believe that as a dad you can begin to bond with the baby in that last month before birth, and then just keep stepping up and doing whatever you can to help with the newborn after birth. Having a family is like a lot of life lessons: "The more you put into it, the more you will get out of it." Good luck and happy parenting! Robert Nickell, aka Daddy Nickell, father of six, is the founder of Daddyscrubs.com, where he covers topics about parenting and the latest babies' and kids' gear, all from a dad's perspective. |
| Posted: How parents engage their children through online social networks affects and reflects their offline connections. ACCORDING to psychologists and social media researchers, the type of relationship a parent and his offspring have online actually reflects the quality of their overall relationship. In a country where traditional culture emphasises parents' ascendance over their children, and where the young are taught to stay silent in the presence of their elders, the casualness and openness of social media exchanges can be unsettling to some Chinese families. "Parents who strongly believe in the importance of family hierarchy and later 'friend' their children on social networking sites will make their kids feel uneasy or will encounter resistance," says Zhang Zhongshan, a senior teacher at the Songjiang Teachers' Training College in Shanghai, who studies new media's impact on families. "The parents themselves will feel out of sorts and conflicted about these sites," he says. Trust and respect are crucial in creating healthy parent-child relationships on social media, experts say. Mothers or fathers who scrutinise their children's friends and activities online – or go as far as to follow them covertly - often have children who do not feel comfortable opening up to them. "Some parents think that being a parent gives you the right to spy on your kids," says Rob Blinn, a Beijing United Hospital and Clinics clinical psychologist, who specialises in parenting and attachment. "But why not develop trust with your kids from the start?" Parents who spy on their children risk damaging their trust, which can lead to other negative consequences, psychologists say. Blinn advises building children's trust starting in pre-school, so they feel comfortable talking to their parents about anything that bothers them. In parent-child relationships, he says, it's the parents who have a bigger responsibility to create trust. Among China's predominantly only-child families, parents have a harder time emotionally letting go of their children. Parents dedicate their lives to securing their only children's futures by providing them with things like quality education, their own apartments and trips overseas. Since Chinese parents sacrifice a lot for their children, they also want a lot of control over them, says Sun Hongyan, head of the Children's Institute at the China Youth and Children Research Center. But parents need to give children their own space, both offline and online, since this is a natural part of growing up, Sun says. Otherwise, she says, there will be endless conflicts in the family, and the child might never learn to be mature and independent. Healthy parent-child interactions on social media can strengthen family bonds. According to a study conducted by professors at Brigham Young University in the US, teenagers who are connected to their parents on social media feel closer to them in real life. "It lets parents know what their kids are going through, what their friends think is cool or fun, and helps them feel more connected to their child," Sarah Coyne, the study's lead author and associate professor at the university's department of family life, says. Social networking sites also give parents more opportunities to offer positive feedback or show affection, Coyne says. "Your kid might post a picture, and you might show support by liking it or making a nice comment or a status update that does the same kind of thing." – China Daily/Asia News Network |
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