The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting

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My daughter lowers her tiny feet deep into the bubbling water. "Can I get a flower, too?" she asks me over the soft jazz and humming of jets. Then it hits me, like a blaring headline on one of those tabloids that litter the front shelves of the nail salon: I'm paying 20 bucks for a pedicure (with the extra hand-painted flower!) for a 12-year-old? How did this happen?

I swore I wasn't going to raise spoiled kids. Oh, yeah, I talked plenty about it before I had kids. Big, boisterous, braggart talk – probably over an expensive glass of wine at a nice restaurant – about kids these days being too entitled. All the other not-yet-parents ardently agreed with me. All of us assured ourselves that our kids would have worker permits at age 10 and live off of hand-me-downs.

Then, like my ban on sugary cereal, all that passion and focus got beat out of me by the end of year one. I pretty quickly lowered my standards to the very basics, like making sure they had clean ears and eat two green things a day.

Living in Orange County, California, I feel the intense pressure to give my kids more than they need. I lose sleep over it: Do my kids have too much? I know the answer is "yes". When my head's hitting the pillow at night, I'd say my prevailing fear for my kids is that they'll grow into adults who are entitled and can't make it on their own.

With every generation, that baseline of what we consider a "necessity" changes. My mother would never have paid to have her hair coloured at the salon. My dad would have rather blown his nose with his money than pay someone to change the oil in his car. For me, these things now are the "basics", real necessities that I wouldn't think of scrimping on.

Though I wholeheartedly believe a pedicure is a luxury, I get them regularly and often take my daughter along – for company and girl time, not because I think it's a necessity for her. But in her mind, I believe they're already becoming one of her "basics". And that scares me a little.

I've feverishly gone through my kids' rooms, loading bags of things to give away while telling them (as if it's their fault) that they have too much stuff! But is "stuff" really the problem? Are things what make kids spoiled or is the culprit an ungrateful attitude? I've found that teaching my kids to be thankful for what they have, whether it's a lot or a little, goes much further than lecturing them on how, when I was a kid, I only got one pair of Ditto jeans.

Thankfulness is the best cure for a spoiled kid. I want her to see that I spend money on pedicures for her, not because we deserve to be pampered with our feet in a whirlpool and our big toes painted with flowers, but because the time with her is important to me. And it's clearly working because as we left the nail salon that day, unprompted and to my complete and utter joy, my daughter hugged me as we left and said, "Thank you so much, Mum! I love spending this time with you."

She got it. She got what was really one of the "basics," and she was grateful. - The Orange County Register (MCT)

Tips for parenting a special child

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I have a child who is a slow learner with speech and motor delay issues. She is now 18 years old and attending a home-school centre. Although there are days when I wonder what life would be like if she had been born "normal", I realise I am blessed with new experiences and life lessons which I might otherwise not have learnt.

Now, I look at things from a different perspective and I place emphasis on another set of values and skills. I am also playing my small part in assisting other parents who are on the same road – those who have children with learning disabilities (LD) such as those with Down Syndrome, ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and autism.

Some of the matters which I find important are (in no particular order):

Self-help skills

A regular child will learn from observation and experience and, at the appropriate time, will exhibit the desire to want to "do everything himself", such as wear his own shoes, brush his teeth, and feed himself.

However, for a child with LD, all these skills will develop at a much slower rate. Along with LD, the child will most likely have to cope with other issues such as fine motor delay and/or sensory dysfunction. Thus, it is utmost important to train the child to develop self-help skills from as early as possible (as the child will also need more time to learn and practise).

Entering school will be a major obstacle if your child is not equipped with self-help skills.

Discipline

This is a "sensitive" word as parents will normally be more protective and lenient towards their LD kids. However, it would be a big mistake if parents do not discipline their child from a young age. While it is true that a child with LD may have a lower level of maturity, it is still important that parents start to instil discipline from as young as possible. This is where you set clear boundaries and "say what you mean and mean what you say".

A child who is not disciplined will have difficulties in acquiring new skills. When faced with a new and challenging task, he will not hesitate to throw a tantrum when he is unable to understand and/or perform the new task. If he has his way all the time, then all the efforts put in to help him to learn will go to waste. This is going to be more harmful to the child in the long run. And, he will also, very likely, grow up with behavioural problems, which will prove to be a bigger headache.

Grooming and personal hygiene

Children with LD will inevitably attract a lot of unwanted stares due to their behaviour and/or looks. We can, perhaps, minimise such stares by ensuring that they are well groomed and practise personal hygiene. Teach and/or remind them to comb their hair, wipe their mouth and wash their hands. Help them to choose appropriate clothing, which suits their age.

Where personal hygiene is concerned, teach the child to always "do his private business" behind closed doors. Teach them what is appropriate touching and what is permissible hugging.

Making decisions

Due to the child's lower level of maturity, most parents make all decisions on their children's behalf. If this continues, when will the child learn this important skill? Parents must remember that having the ability to make decisions, albeit simple ones, will empower the child. He feels good about himself and this improves his self-confidence and self-esteem.

For a young child, he should be given the choice to wear either the red or blue jumper. And for someone older, he should be able to decide what he wants to drink with his meals.

Being able to make decisions also means the child must be responsible for the decisions he makes.

Instil the desire to learn

Besides academic knowledge, we must also encourage our children to be curious about the world around them. Pose the "Why?" questions all the time. Help him to consider the different scenarios and assist him to arrive at conclusions. Hopefully, the child will develop a longing to learn and ultimately, acquiring knowledge becomes easy and meaningful.

Start with things that affect him and are relevant to his life. Talk to your child about everyday issues and ask questions like, "Why should we stop at a red light?", "Why must you wash your hands?" and "Why do we need a trolley/basket when we are at the supermarket?"

Play time

Upon diagnosis, attending therapy sessions would be a priority. However, one must not forget to allocate sufficient time for play – any form of play. Play, to a child, is very crucial, more so for our special children. They learn through play, which is fun and without pressure. They pick up different skills through the various types of play. And, some skills, like social skills, can only be learnt in a real-life setting, such as group activities.

If time and financial resources permit, expose him to arts and crafts, music, drama and sports-related activities. I always believe that "when play is in session, learning is in progress"!

Anna Wong, mother to an 18-year-old special girl, founded Glen Stream (www.senses-at-play.com ) in 2005 to assist other parents on this challenging journey. Her company offers related products and services.

Kredit: www.thestar.com.my

Jumaat, 9 Ogos 2013

The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting

The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting

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