The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting
The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting |
| Posted: Maybe your seemingly giddy teens and tweens know what works best for them. BY the time she was 16, she was sure her dad's goal in life was to make her miserable. He seemed to have a running list of all the ways he could embarrass her in front of her friends, trick her into doing more chores, or set her curfew earlier. She felt manipulated and angry, and her relationship with her dad began to deteriorate. Things continued to gradually fall apart until one day she saw her dad reading a parenting book. She waited until he put it down and sneaked a peek. As she flipped through it, she began to realise a couple of things. One, he was trying to understand her. And two, and perhaps more importantly, the advice he read in the parenting book were exactly the things that drove her crazy the most. "Who is writing these books?" she wondered. She looked at the other parenting books on her dad's shelf and saw they are all written by adult parenting experts for other adults. As a teen recipient of said advice, she felt they had it all wrong. That's when Vanessa Van Petten, teen author of the parenting book You're Grounded!, decided to build www.radicalparenting.com, a website where teens answer questions from parents. The site grew and she now maintains the website along with 120 teen and tween writers, aged 12 to 20 from 34 different countries to help parents and adults get an honest and open view into the world and minds of their teen and tween kids. Honestly, how many of us have ever asked our teens and tweens what they think about this business of parenting? What would happen if adults turned to teens and tweens for advice on how best to parent? Here are some advice from teens and tweens on how to best parent your teens and tweens (adapted from www.radicalparenting.com). ● Don't ask "Answer-Question" Any question that already has the answer wired into it is an "Answer-Question", such as "Don't you think you need to do something about your studies and not just play computer games the whole day?" They're loaded questions and just hearing them automatically shifts the teens and tweens into defensive mode. It does so because it is clear parents already have an opinion on the situation and don't really want to know what the children think. To teens, it feels like parents don't think they know what to do and belittle their opinions. More importantly, even if a parent's suggestion in their "answer-question" is a good one, teens and tweens will often reject it because it came uninvited. Insight from a 14-year-old girl: "My mom assumes she knows the answers to all of my problems and always "asks" me to take her advice. This makes me feel like she doesn't trust me and I can't help but want to disregard her unsolicited advice even if it is good for me." ● Times are different Yes, every parent was a teenager once – although sometimes it's really hard to imagine it – and while we all deal with the same issues like dating, curfew, pressure at school and bullying, circumstances are very different now. Society as a whole is so much more competitive. Internet has changed the way we communicate. Facebook and texting add a new layer of complication to teen relationships. Bullying on Facebook lasts longer than mean words at school and allows more people to weigh in and have their say. Flirting happens mostly through social media. The world wide web allow teens and tweens to be exposed to many things parents didn't see until they were much older. Advice from teens and tweens: "Please don't assume things are the same as they were when you were a teenager. Instead, talk to us about what is different. ● Pushing the limits Teens and tweens like to take risks and it is hard to say no. In fact, teen's brain responds strongly to reward prompted by risk. It is important for parents to know this so they can encourage positive risk-taking like extreme sports, running for student leader or going to the theme park. These are positive adrenaline producing activities to satisfy the urge to take risks. Confession of a 15-year-old boy: "Sometimes my friends and I just feel the need to go out and do something for a rush. We call ourselves adrenaline junkies – we don't mean to get into trouble, but sometimes that is a side effect. The best is when we can go on rollercoasters and get the thrill without breaking any rules." Sometimes teenagers really do know best. Find time to ask your teens or tweens what they wish you know about them and you may discover more things that may surprise you, including some "teen wisdom". Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children. E-mail her at star2@thestar.com.my. |
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