The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting
The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting |
| Posted: A child who has violent tendencies often has other problems. Violence is their way of acting out and, in a subconscious way, asking for help. Psychologist and family marriage therapist Ivy Tan says violent in this context could mean hitting, punching, or even emotional and verbal abuse. It could also lead to injury and death in some cases. Violence is any act that causes emotional, psychological or physical harm. For some people, it could be short term because of what they are going through. If they seek help, the violence might decrease and stop. Tan has seen such cases when she worked with a non-profit centre in San Francisco. There, she saw children and youth with behaviour issues and some of them had violent tendencies. While she is confident there are such cases in Malaysia, she doesn't see them now as she works in a guidance centre in Petaling Jaya. Tan admits that if she were working in a community centre in the heart of Kuala Lumpur, she would probably see such cases. Root cause Who are children violent against? It could be violence against parents, peers or even animals. "Anyone or anything they might want to intentionally harm. We need to look at what is the purpose. Is there a motive? Do they intentionally want to create discomfort to the person or animal?" Do such cases start from small? "It doesn't necessarily begin anywhere. It begins whenever the person experiences dysfunction. It could be a child mirroring the parents arguing or any incidents of domestic violence," says Tan. She explains that a child picks up on the negative vibes and actions that he or she sees in everyday life. That child would grow up thinking that that is the normalcy in a family. "If the child is already in a violent family relationship – he might see his father hitting the mother – the child might react by hitting others because it looks like it's okay for dad to hit mum and mum doesn't react. The kid might not understand that it's not right to hit another person or an animal. Mum didn't react, so that means it's correct. It's not processed. So, when the child goes out thinking that's normal, they will repeat the actions they see happen at home. "It includes yelling and shouting, emotional abuse, psychological abuse and bullying. All this is a form of violence. The intention is to cause harm. When you receive those negative vibes, you get stressed out," explains Tan. Or it could begin later when the child is in school. It could be that they had a good childhood but without proper guidance when growing up. As a young adult they could be caught in between and find that they don't fit in in school or society; they are neither here nor there. So, to fit in, they might decide to join a gang. This is where they find a sense of belonging. "They may not have control of what's going on at home. But, when they join a gang, that's where they find a sense of belonging and family. This is where they are supported and they get control," says Tan. She explains that it could happen any time. There is no way to pinpoint when it begins because it's different according to the individual, says Tan. According to her, children could be at a point where they may not be able to emotionally express themselves. "That's where they are out to find a sense of belonging and a place where they are respected. Typically, if there is a marital conflict at home and the kids are affected, they may develop low self-esteem. Things like this are stressors that cause distress and it may manifest in the child behaving very aggressively outside, trying to express what is going on internally at home. "In a way, they have the emotions but they don't have the proper psychological means of support to process what's going on. "In younger children, it could manifest in stomach pains and physical aches. It affects each child differently. Older kids, either they might not be interested in what they used to like and the more outgoing ones might behave more erratically – be more angry, throw tantrums," she says. Risk factors Who is at risk?
Does playing violent videogames factor into the situation by making a child violent? Tan says research has shown that playing violent games does affect the child in the short term. There is not enough data on long-term effects. "Teenagers say that playing violent games helps them cope and release stress and then they're back on track. It makes sense if they're able to justify their actions. "For younger kids, they should be monitored because they take things in black and white, so parents need to check what their kids are playing. They may say it's okay, all their friends are playing the game, but if you sit down and watch them play it, you might be wondering if this is something you really want to expose your child to. "Here, I am talking about kids from seven and above. For teenagers, you need to see their maturity level," says Tan. She advises parents to monitor and practise moderation so that the kids do not become obsessed with playing violent games. What can parents do If parents realise that their child has violent tendencies, they should be supportive so that the child knows that no matter where they are and what they do that they can always come back to you. In addition, parents should:
"There are times when the kids may not want to come to you but be open to talking to them, manage your reactions so that they will talk to you. Don't accuse them immediately when you sense something is wrong or if they make a mistake," advises Tan. According to her, parents may remove bad role models from a child's life, but if the child doesn't understand the reasons behind it, he will keep going back to the bad role model. A better approach would be to substitute the inappropriate behaviour or person with healthy activities and good role models. He will rebel if you do this but you need to help him understand the consequences to his actions. "Be honest and transparent with them. You need to be upfront. Tell them you know that they lie to you at times but you just don't bring it up. So they know you're being upfront with them. That gives them a chance to be upfront with you because, after all, they are just mirroring you. "If you remove something, you need to replace it with something good because otherwise they will keep going back to their old activities and bad influences," says Tan. If it ever comes to the point where parents have tried their best and they are frightened by their own children, they should see a mental health professional because the child may not be able to reason things with the parents. So, they may need a third party to intervene and to stabilise the situation. They may need a mediator so it would help to send the child to a psychiatrist or psychologist. If the violence gets too much, something is going on psychologically as well. Parents should also seek professional help when they have tried everything and they notice the child is getting more distanced. You would know that there are drastic changes and this is not the child you used to know. You can only do so much and the child sometimes refuses to share some things with you.  Ivy Tan: 'If finding a mental health professional can help you to get to the bottom of the problem, then you should do it.' "If finding a mental health professional can help you to get to the bottom of the problem, then you should do it. But, of course, everything they reveal to the mental health professional is confidential. But, at least you know your son or daughter is getting guidance and maybe they can work it out," says Tan. A medical professional would firstly rule out any medical reasons for the violent behaviour. Then they would look into what kind of support is needed. If the violent behaviour is not stopped, you will see more damage – harm done to the child himself because anger and aggression is negative. It will also lead to low self-esteem, low self-confidence, and that creates insecurity. Tan reminds parents that they are not bad parents for getting professional help. The child needs help. Violence is his way of letting you know that he's upset and angry and needs help. |
| Posted: Free Your Child From Fears And Worries And Create A Joyful Family Life By Anne Marie Albano with Leslie Pepper Publisher: Avery, the Penguin Group You are about to enter a house full of party guests and suddenly your child clings to you, signalling that he doesn't want to go in. You take a few more steps forward, and he either clings to you even tighter or he just lets out a shriek, or maybe worse, bawls his eyes out and goes into a raging fit, protesting even harder. Two things to ponder – he's either fearful of strangers or he is anxious about you disappearing in a crowd full of party guests. The difference? Fear is focused on direct threat while anxiety is focused on future threatening possibilities. So, back to the house of party guests. If your child says he's afraid that you might get lost in the crowd, or that no one will play with him, or god forbid, you forget about him and go home without him, then yes, it's separation anxiety. His primary fear has evolved into him thinking of all the negative and frightening thoughts that could actually happen. Anxiety disorders are not caused by bad parenting. Ironically though, the very instinct to make for good parenting – the instinct to protect, may play a key role in deepening a child's anxiety. It's very common for us parents to soothe our crying child, to scoop him up when he is in a challenging and fearful situation. But with an anxiety disorder child, the good intention and actions have an opposite effect. For instance, the child cries, he gets a hug; the more he cries, the more hugs he gets; the longer he cries, the longer the hugs; and it keeps going on and on. The result is an over-protective parent feeding the fears of an over-anxious child. Does this sound familiar? Fret not. Although it's a vicious cycle it's possible to break it. This book not only shows you how to measure your child's level of anxiety. It also offers many ways of coping and treating them. The author has put together a step-by-step guide to recognise the kind of anxiety and the level of anxiety your child may or may not have. It's very important to take note that not all clingy kids suffer from anxiety disorders. It's only when such responses become excessive that the fear and anxiety transforms into an anxiety disorder. So, parents who practise attachment parenting like myself, need not worry. As long as you are well informed of the severity of your child's fears and anxiety, you will know how to respond while still practising attachment parenting. Also note that, the more experience your child has separating from his caregiver, the less separation anxiety he will feel. If you catch anxiety in the early stages, and consult a child therapist, your child will likely do well without medication. Cognitive Behavioural Therapy or CBT is one of the many therapy options parents will have. One of the goals of CBT is to help a child recognise when his thinking is helpful or otherwise. Separation Anxiety Disorder (SAD) affects 3% to 5% of children and adolescents and usually girls, more than boys. SAD is diagnosed between the ages of seven months and nine years or any time before a child turns 18. (There are more reports of girl sufferers because there's a theory that boys are taught to toughen up, so it's likely that they don't report or express their feelings as openly as girls.) The author also offers tips and information on how to deal with the aftermath of your child's disorder. How do you pick up where you left off, before the anxiety hit? Now that your child is "cured" and back on track, it's normal to feel like you're no longer his best friend. The book will give you insights on how to curb your (possible) feelings of not being wanted anymore. First, the book helps you help your child let go of you, then it helps you let go of your child after you've done a marvellous job getting him to face the world. This book not only answers all the anxiety questions you have, but also presents answers to questions you never thought of asking. This book should be read by every parent, whether you practise attachment parenting or not. Like the author says, it's not your bond or attachment that feeds his anxiety. It's the way you resolve his fears and how you soothe his fears. This book is definitely worth your time and money, and once you put the authors' words in perspective, you will only be left with a happy child and a happy you. * Available at Books Kinokuniya Malaysia. For further enquiries, call +603-21648133, email ebd3_kbm@kinokuniya.co.jp or visit BookWeb Malaysia. |
| Posted: I have two kids aged five and six. I use a regular set of playing cards to teach them how to count and to focus. For a game that incorporates addition, I give both of them two cards each and ask them to add up the number. The one with the higher number wins. This goes on until all the cards are given out. They have fun and at the same time learn how to count. We also use cards to play a game of "Snap". This teaches them to be alert and focus. I distribute the cards by placing them one by one in two piles. If two of the same cards appear (on the left and right pile), they will need to put their hand on it and say "Snap". The first person to "snap" the pair will get to keep the cards and at the end of the game, the one with the most cards wins. As for the subtraction game, all the cards will be face down down and arranged on a table or the floor. The children are required to turn over two cards at a time. Before turning over the cards, they have to decide what number they want. When they turn over the two cards, they need to do the subtraction (smaller number from the bigger number). If they are successful in achieving the number they have chosen, they get to keep the two cards. Otherwise they have to put the cards back in their original position and the next person gets a turn. The player with the most cards at the end of the games is the winner. This helps them learn subtraction and sharpen their memory skills. Today, many think that playing cards is mainly for gambling, but for me, cards can be used for family fun and education. Foong Kok Kong |
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