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Posted: 06 Mar 2013 03:31 AM PST

A love of animals brings this man and his sons ever closer.

BEING a father for the first time evokes emotions beyond words. I still remember the day my elder son was born, and the joy I felt as I held his tiny fingers. It was a special feeling that no words could describe, but one that I am sure is shared by everyone who has ever become a father.

Parenthood is a wonderful thing. But regardless of who we are, we have to be good and responsible parents to our children.

As an animal lover myself, I want my kids to have as much passion for animals as I do.

When I was small, I was a fussy kid who was scared of animals. My mother used to recall that whenever my grandfather asked me to hold the ducklings, I would bolt.

So, when I started to become friendly with animals, nobody was more surprised than my mum.

I am not sure how I overcame my fear of animals and turned into an animal lover. But I am glad to see my sons being naturally close to them. Vissnu, five, and Vidhur, three, do not run away from chickens and ducks as I did during my young days.

Since their maternal grandparents are still living the so-called kampung lifestyle, my two kids get the chance to see and hold chickens, geese and goats.

Most children nowadays are unable to do the things their parents did when they were growing up. It used to be that playing in the sand was part of our daily routine, but now, it's become one of the activities in play school. Kids are missing the opportunity to explore nature by themselves, as they learn things the digital way.

I like watching TV shows related to animals – of course, joined by Vissnu and Vidhur. We watch and learn together. Besides the tame animals, my kids also get to know wildlife through these programmes.

Needless to say, the place that the three of us enjoy visiting most is the zoo. I love answering their every doubt and curiosity about the occupants of the zoo. They will be delighted when they are allowed to touch and feel some of the animals.

Watching on TV is not enough as I believe the zoo to be a good learning ground for children to know about wild animals.

We used to have a dog at home, but sadly, she is no longer with us. I was surprised to see Vissnu refusing to admit Mary, our pet, to the veterinary clinic as he was too attached to her.

Unfortunately, I'm unable to get him a replacement as both my kids are allergic to animal fur. On our doctor's advice, my wife and I have decided to avoid pets at home for the time being.

But one day, I will definitely get them a puppy as it's a promise I made to my son on his fifth birthday.

Sometimes, I bring my sons along when I feed the stray dogs. These days, when a dog crosses my house, Vissnu will inevitably ask for a biscuit from his mum to feed the mutt. I also take my boys to my friend's farm, bringing bananas with us to feed the cows.

I'm really glad to see my kids becoming animal lovers like me. I hope this will help them grow up to be upstanding human beings.

Living apart, yet close

Posted: 27 Feb 2013 02:25 AM PST

Some families are separated by distance, but their ties stay strong.

AS families got together to usher in the year of the snake, Victor Chew was absent from his Penang hometown, leaving his 80-year-old mother to have her reunion dinner without him. The Amsterdam-based 40-year-old bachelor who has spent most of his adult life overseas does not feel it is an issue in his relationship with his mother.

"The idea of a reunion is to reconnect. In me and my mother's case, there is no need to reconnect, because the connection was never broken," says Chew.

It is a sentiment echoed by his mother, Fong Sun Yeng, who has lived alone since her husband passed away in his sleep in 2007.

"My sister comes over and both of us spend Chinese New Year enjoying Penang food. I get lots of invitations from friends, but most of the time I prefer to stay home as the traffic jam on the island is just terrible during this period," says Fong.

Fong and her late husband have long accepted that their son would be apart from them as he pursued his dreams.

"From the onset, my late husband and I wanted our son to be educated overseas. We wanted him to be exposed to the world of opportunities," says Fong.

Chew first left home to do his A-levels on scholarship in Singapore. He was then offered a Boston University scholarship to study law, which he turned down because his parents didn't want their only child to be so far away from them.

But Fong and her late husband relented when Chew was offered a scholarship by a retired judge to do his Masters in San Diego, the United States.

"By keeping him from pursuing the Boston University Scholarship, we nearly destroyed his future. Luckily, he had high ambitions and plenty of luck," says Fong who is proud of her son's success. Chew's legal career eventually took him to The Netherlands where he has been based since 1994.

Fong admits loneliness does creep in at times, but the former English teacher has learned to keep busy and think positively. The sprightly woman, who has no qualms about donning leopard print leggings and sashaying about on three-inch heels, has learned not to dwell on life's unsolvable problems. Doing so, she believes, will affect good health, a sure-fire way to dampen the fun.

Keeping Fong on her toes is her dancing group, The Golden Girls. They are usually booked to perform at charitable events.

She has long come to terms with being apart from her son, and holds to her parting words to Chew when he left for the US: "I told him not to worry about going away because we'd be coming to look for him."

Missing them

Ali Gulen has not hugged his wife Neslihan Ertekin, 33, or kissed his two children, aged five and seven, for eight months. It is the longest that the 39-year-old director general of the Turkish Tourism and Information (South East Asia) bureau has been away from his family.

They moved to Malaysia with him when he was first posted here. But Gulen's family moved home when his eldest son started school because they wanted the children to be educated in Turkey.

Still, it is not easy for Gulen to be away from his family.

He knows it is hard for his wife Neslihan to cope with two growing children alone though he knows they are safe in Cankaya, a metropolitan district in Ankara, Turkey. He knows she is near her relatives, and they live in a close-knit community of 20 families in a four-storey apartment complex.

Ever the supportive wife, Neslihan has never asked Gulen to give up his job, which has often taken him away from home.

Even before his Malaysian posting, Gulen was away three months in Europe and outstation the rest of the year outstation throughout their 11-year marriage.

Time together

Being apart means families have to make the effort to stay connected.

Chew does not play the absent son for long. By mid-May, a ticket for a three-month vacation in Amsterdam will arrive at mum's doorstep.

As a regular visitor to The Netherlands, Fong admits to doing very little sightseeing now. Instead, she prefers to hang around her son's neighbourhood where she has made friends.

"We go for dim sum breakfasts in Chinatown and all Victor's friends are also my friends," says Fong, on her time together with son.

She has also picked up a little Dutch from her independent sojourns in the park.

When Fong returns to Malaysia by June, it will only be another three months before son and mother see each other again. Chew usually comes home for the winter holidays in September.

"As the song goes, we 'do the little, ordinary things that everyone ought to do'. We watch tennis on TV, enjoy a good meal, listen to music, visit places of interest, shop, fight, play mahjong and sing," says Chew.

Gulen doesn't have the luxury of visiting his family every few months, but he keeps the communication channels open.

The world has become a small place, thanks to Skype, Facebook and e-mail, which allows him to express his affection and keep tabs on his wife and children.

"I call them every day," says Gulen whose Facebook postings to his family are filled with affection and fatherly advice.

Still, it brings a lump to his throat when his daughter, Nermin, asks him when he is coming home. His standard reply is always "soon".

It is easier with his elder son, Sami, who has since learnt there is an upside to his father's "international connections". When Dad calls, it is time for little Sami to do his online shopping. His latest request is an electric-powered toy car.

Gulen makes up for lost time with his family by taking them travelling.

Gulen's first holiday choice is of course Turkey. On his last trip home, they went to Konya to see the whirling dervishes and then to his hometown in Erzurum.

But his favourite destination is Ayash, where his in-laws have a summer home, a double-storey bungalow surrounded by peach, cherry, apricot, apple and mulberry trees.

"Summers are especially nice when we get to eat freshly plucked fruits from the trees. In June, they have the Dut Festival, a time for mulberries which is heralded with a lot of feasting and dancing," says Gulen, who believes it is important to expose his children to cultural, historical and architectural heritage.

The sacrifice he has to make for his career has only made Gulen all the more determined to achieve his goals, and he is reminded of that resolve whenever he sees Sami's gift of a handmade mug inscribed with "Best Father of the Year".

"This was a reassuring sign that despite not being physically there, I am very much present in their hearts," says Gulen.

Solid support

Expedition leader of 4x4 Overland Explorer Mohamed Assir Mohamed Ariff and his wife Alina are often away on long-haul journeys that could go for as long as two months. They can pursue their passion and work in the outfit that organises bike rides across continents because their family supports them by caring for their 15-year-old son Azim.

"Having a supportive family has allowed me to pursue my love for overlanding. Without the help of my brother, Abul, and my niece, Nurfadhilah, I will never be able to do what I do," says Assir, 44.

When Assir is not around, Abul steps in and takes over tasks like ferrying Azim to and from school. On days when he has work commitments, Nurfadhilah does the job. Azim, who has grown up with the arrangement, thinks it's fine as he is the apple of his aunt's eye.

"It is important that a child's caregivers must not think they are being saddled with 'extra parenting responsibilities' when his parents are away," says Assir on his choice of sitters when it comes to Azim.

But it is Assir's mother Ummul Bahira Mohamed Husin, 68, who plays the biggest role in bringing up Azim. She is the disciplinarian; from enforcing homework times to restricting television viewing.

Once she hid the satellite TV card because Azim was sneaking downstairs to turn on the idiot box after everyone had gone to sleep. Despite her gentle demeanour, it is not beyond Ummul to chase after Azim in the field, which she did when he jumped over a locked gate to join his buddies for a game of football.

Despite the challenges of watching over a teenager, Ummul likens Azim's presence to having a mini version of Assir around, which helps to take her mind off his absence.

Ummul worries about her son's safety when he is on his expeditions. The years have not made the good-byes easier, not since the last trip when Assir was "reportedly" killed in Syria while leading the Kembara Bumi Suci expedition last year.

It turned out to be a misunderstanding and Assir got a proper scolding for being involved in the joke.

When Assir first took up overlanding in the 1980s, his parents were set against it because they were worried about his safety. But Ummul has come to terms with her son's adventurous spirit.

"It is not good to keep (an adventurous) characters like this back. I believe the build-up from this restlessness will result in him not functioning properly. The only condition he has to comply to before he goes is to ask for my blessings and return with the protection of Allah. I also don't believe in calling him to come back when he is away because this will be in disrespect to his objectives," says the mother of six. Assir is her second son.

Assir recognises he has been very fortunate to have a supportive family, which has enabled him to pursue his ambitions.

"I always believe that travel broadens the mind. If I stayed home, I would have remained in my shell. But now that I have experienced the world beyond, I am able to bring the riches of my knowledge back to my family," concludes Assir.

Issues that can pierce the hearts of parents

Posted: 27 Feb 2013 04:47 AM PST

When your child yearns to express himself in an outrageous fashion, what would you do?

WITH parenting, things can get out of hand. Just when you think you have got most tweens- and teens-related issues under control, something else crops up. Like, out of the blue, your older teen tells (not asks) you that he or she wants their body pierced and/or tattooed, to colour their hair purple and green, shave their head or go for something outlandish (think mohawk, mullet, skillet).

These are piercing issues, to say the least. Announcements like these can pierce the hearts of parents and bring more pain to them than if they are to get body piercing or a tattoo themselves!

Body piercing, tattoos, dramatic hairstyles and unconventional clothing are all part of youth culture. For many teens, exotic attire is an important aspect of their emerging personal identity.

So where is the line between healthy self-expression and bizarrely anti-social behaviour? How do you set reasonable limits yet leave room for each teen's unique personality? It is like Tevye in the film Fiddler On The Roof, when he does the "on the one hand, on the other hand" game while trying to solve his ever more difficult parenting dilemmas.

My friend recounted how her 16-year-old had lobbied for nose piercing for two years. She begged, argued and, yes, threw tantrums all in the name of establishing her own identity. She tried to highlight the fact that she would be 18 sooner rather than later and wouldn't need parental permission to pierce any part of her body. To her credit, the daughter also said that she wouldn't go ahead with the piercing at any age if Daddy ultimately objected. When Daddy heard that, he got choked up and gave in to his "little girl".

I am sure you will get to or are already experiencing the "I am 18 and can do what I please" argument that hovers over nearly every conversation between teens and their parents. In this case, my friend's daughter insisted that she be allowed to establish her own identity. And in a twist of that argument, the girl managed to sway her mum and dad – not through threatening them but turning them into mush.

For me, ear piercing has never been an issue. Pierced nose, on the other hand, makes me a little uncomfortable. Full nose ring? That's a hand too far. So are piercings on other discreet parts of the body. Tattoos? Forget about them.

Some modern parents may frown on my thinking but at least I am frank with myself. By being honest about your own reactions and defining clear boundaries for your teen, hopefully we can come up with some useful guidelines for what's okay – while respecting and supporting your daughter or son's individuality. I know, though, it's easier said than done.

I used to have a teenage client who had a labret (piercing near the lips) and a tattoo on his back. When I asked if it was painful to get them done, he answered: "Painful. But not quite as painful as having to explain it to my parents, especially my mum."

In her article Just One Little Tattoo in the British newspaper The Guardian last Aug 11, Tess Morgan encapsulates the grief and pain a mother experienced when her 21-year-old son came home with a tattoo.

"And this is when I realise that all my endless self-examination was completely pointless. What I think, or don't think, about tattoos is irrelevant. Because this is the point. Tattoos are fashionable. They may even be beautiful. (Just because I hate them doesn't mean I'm right.) But by deciding to have a tattoo, my son took a meat cleaver to my apron strings. He may not have wanted to hurt me. I hope he didn't. But my feelings, as he made his decision, were completely unimportant ... I am redundant. And that's a legitimate cause for grief, I think," she wrote.

Piercing issues are indeed painful and difficult for both the teenagers and the parents on many different levels. As Tevye eventually said, after he compromised, bent and adjusted his parenting for most of the film: "Sometimes there is no other hand."

And yet ... where should our parenting lines lie? Are we prepared to shift them? How often should we shift them? I remember clearly what my teenage client said: "It's not about the body piercing or tattoos, it's about growing up." Food for thought.

n Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children. E-mail her at star2@thestar.com.my.

Kredit: www.thestar.com.my

Selasa, 7 Mei 2013

The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting

The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting

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