The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting
The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting |
| Posted: 26 Sep 2012 03:26 AM PDT The writer's unfortunate experience with school makes her understand her priorities on her kids' education. IN my last column, I talked about my younger daughter Lauren having a hard time starting school. I also said that I thought the bad spell would last for a while (my estimate was months), judging by how bad the separation anxiety was, and it was BAD. It just shows how little I know; she was okay by day four. Four days. That was all it took. Frankly, she made me feel a little silly for making a big deal about how heart-wrenching it was for me to see her go through such a hard time. I became the drama queen instead of her. Why can't she rant and rage for at least two weeks, and lend a little legitimacy to my previous column? Noooo, she had to go and be sensible and get her head around school in four short days. I am mortified. Children are so ungrateful these days. I have to admit, now that both kids seem happy in school, I can breathe easier. I remember hating school a lot when I was little. It was such a sterile place, with teachers that did not seem to care very much about the students. Of course, there were 50 of us crammed into one class, with just one teacher who was probably trying her best to hold things together. We were segregated into groups A, B and C; A being the "clever" group, B for "borderline" and C for "dumb". I kid you not. During the 11 years that I spent in the school system, kids were routinely categorised and pigeon-holed. If you were smart from day one, you would probably be labelled as such throughout your academic life, unless you somehow lost your grip on the ability to get straight As midway, at which point your teachers would dismiss you in disappointment. "Whatever happened to XXX? She had such a bright future! She's turned stupid all of a sudden." Something like that happened to me. Somewhere between Forms Two and Three, I lost all interest in my studies. Things came to a head in Form Four when I slacked through Physics and History the ENTIRE year, not listening to a single thing my teachers said in class. How I got through the year-end examinations, I'll never know. By the time SPM rolled around, I knew I was a goner. At that point, I had missed not only a year of Physics but two. It was amazing how easily kids could slip through the cracks in the school system; I wasn't listening in class for two years, yet my teacher could not detect anything because I dutifully filled in my lab books, and handed in homework when it was due. The system wasn't able to catch that I did not understand a single thing I wrote. My SPM results were way below expectations. According to my track record, I was a shoo-in for straight As. I only got two As – for English and Mathematics. My experience with school has given me a clear idea where my priorities should be when it comes to my kids. While academic excellence would be a bonus, the main thing I hope for is that they enjoy school. I hope that they love their teachers and vice versa, because effective teaching really is about a relationship between student and teacher that is filled with mutual respect and understanding. I hope that they make good friends, because I remember the only thing that got me through the bad days in class were my handful of best friends. I make it a point to talk to my daughters, and not just about lessons, but about what they did in school that made them happy that day. With Angelica, it was often about learning a funny rhyme from a friend, or admiring a new piece of stationery someone had brought to school. Occasionally, she would come back with new knock-knock jokes, or a new game she learnt. Lauren's definition of a perfect day so far has been about getting a chocolate bun during snack time, being given stickers and getting a double portion of fruits at lunch. After all, how much of what we learned academically in school do we use in our daily life now? n Elaine Dong thinks our education system needs an overhaul. She blogs at angelolli.com. |
| Children, about that teacher ... Posted: 26 Sep 2012 02:33 AM PDT What should parents tell their children when authority figures behave badly? WHEN Pang Sze Ann read in April about her former school principal being charged with having paid sex with an underage girl, the 11-year-old "felt a little angry". She says: "He had put Pei Chun Public in the spotlight for a very bad reason." She was referring to Lee Lip Hong, who had been principal of Pei Chun Public where she studied from Primary 1 to 3. She had already been studying at another school, Tao Nan, for more than a year when the reports emerged. Her mother Teresa Wee, 47, a housewife, says she and her husband discussed the matter privately and brought it up with their daughter only when Lee's name was cited in media reports in April. "I told her I had something important to tell her – that he had slept with an underage girl and was caught," says Wee, who is married to a fund manager and lives in a semi-detached house in Serangoon, Singapore. "I asked her, 'Are you all right?', and she says she was shocked but 'okay'," says Wee. "I told her that for a person in a high position, especially an educator, the impact of his lapse in standard is greater than for someone who isn't." Following reports of Lee expressing his wish to make amends to his family after his jail term, Wee says: "I said to my daughter that I could respect him more as he has learnt from his mistake and shielded his wife and kids from the incident." For her part, Sze Ann says she has "worked it out" – that she should still respect other educators based on their actions, including her current principal, Dr Chin Kim Woon, who "stands at the gate every morning to greet parents and pupils". There have been numerous reports of authority figures to children falling from grace. In July, a former teacher in her 20s from a top secondary school was investigated for allegedly having sex with a member of one of the school's sports teams, who is now 16. A coroner's inquiry two weeks ago into the death of a 16-year-old student at ITE College East, Chiu Ka Ying, found that she had jumped to her death. Investigations showed that she had confided in a friend that a lecturer had molested her, The New Paper of Singapore reported. How do parents handle the issue of respected figures who bring disrepute to the profession and betray the trust of young ones who look up to them? Housewife M. Fong says if she had her way, she would rather not discuss such a thorny issue with her children. The less they know of the seedy side of life, the better, she adds. Fong says she talked to her youngest child, a Pei Chun pupil, about ex-principal Lee's case only because the eight-year-old boy brought it up about two months ago. "His classmates were talking about it as they must have discussed it with their parents," she says. "I told him that in school, if you do something wrong, your principal or discipline master will come after you. Outside school, the law takes over," says Fong. Her son, too young to further the discussion, had simply nodded, she says. Parents may not be "natural-born counsellors", says clinical psychologist Dr Carol Balhetchet. But their "biggest mistake would be to put their heads in the sand", minding only day-to-day fires or school grades, adds the director of youth services at the Singapore Children's Society. "The best way to deal with such issues is to ask your children questions: 'How do you feel about what you have just read? What is the word going around with friends?'" she advises. That is what IT sales director Basil Lee, 40, and his wife Elizabeth, 39, do with their two older children – Gabrielle, nine, and Ian, seven. The youngest, Nathan, is one. The family lives in a four-room flat in Ang Mo Kio in the city-state. The couple use reports in the newspapers to teach their children lessons in avoiding "folly", although none of their children has experienced a situation where a respected person let him or her down. Lee says that he tells his children that if a teacher does something wrong, he would raise the issue with the school. He adds: "I will give the children time to work out their anger but teach them not to judge a person for the moment of weakness. Maybe in a year's time, the person could change for the better. "So, they should still respect other good people in authority." P. Tan, a teacher of more than 40 years, says she will encourage her pupils to continue to respect authority "if the person has the boldness to account for his wrong". "But if he is in denial, then I will tell the children to think about the negative values he is exhibiting." As far as M.F. Zhen is concerned, one errant teacher should not dent her children's trust in others. Her son is 16 and her daughter is 15. Zhen and her husband are in their 40s. The family lives in a semi-detached home in Paya Lebar. Her children study at two premier schools which have been in the news because of their teachers' sexual indiscretions. Zhen's son says: "The lapse of judgment by one or two teachers should not bring down the good work of all the good teachers and coaches we've had, and our opinion of people in authority." – The Straits Times, Singapore/Asia News Network |
| Caring for gender development of children Posted: 25 Sep 2012 08:47 PM PDT How we can better care for the gender development of our children. SO the recent reported "guidelines" for parents and teachers to spot lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) tendencies of their children and students have sparked much discussion, objection and even ridicule. I guess the only good thing that came out of it was that it did create awareness of LGBT issues after all, for better or for worse. The truth is, LGBT issues are getting increasingly common nowadays. People are more outspoken and open about them. Indeed, the subject is highly controversial, political even. Like it or not, we have to address it on one level or another. Be it from a religious or humanistic standpoint, from the human rights perspective or our personal conviction. We cannot ignore the issue just because we don't know enough or we disagree with it and therefore don't want to know about it. Ignoring the matter will not make it go away. Many of us parents used to worry about our teens or tweens getting involved in BGR (boy-girl relationship). Now, we have a different challenge. What do you say to your tweens (eight to 12 years old) if they come home from school and ask you: "Mummy/Daddy, what is gay? Can two men get married?" How should we respond? If talking about sex education with our children already makes our faces turn red, addressing highly sensitive LGBT issues may very well cause us to turn pale! We are living in a world where wrong seems right and right seems wrong. In fact, when writing about LGBT issues, I am well aware that I may be politically incorrect. Hence, rather than focusing on how to spot LGBT tendencies or debating who is right or wrong, it is more important that we think about how we can better care for the gender development of our children and raise our next generation to be secure in their gender identity. You may have heard many different words and phrases related to LGBT. Here are some definitions to help us be more informed (adapted from emedicinehealth.com): > Gender identity: Your internal sense of whether you are male or female. > Sexual orientation: How you are attracted romantically and sexually to other people – to the same sex (homosexual), to the other sex (heterosexual), or to both sexes (bisexual). > Lesbian: A woman who is homosexual. > Gay: A man who is homosexual. "Gay" is sometimes used to refer to both men and women who are homosexual. > Bi: A short, informal way of saying "bisexual". > Transgender: People who don't feel that their gender identity fully "matches" their physical sex or other body characteristics. > Transsexual: People who use medical treatments, such as hormone medicine or surgery, to make their bodies match their gender identity. > Straight: Heterosexual. > Ally: A heterosexual person who fully accepts and supports his or her LGBT friends or family members. > In the closet: A person who realises that he or she is gay and keeps this a secret is "in the closet" or "closeted". Sexual orientation and gender identity are related, but they aren't the same thing. For example, a person can be transgender without being homosexual. During the sexual changes of puberty, issues of gender identity and sexual identity become especially relevant for teens. Dr Melvin W. Wong, a US-based clinical psychologist, mentioned in his book A Practical Guide To Raising Gender-Confident Kids that gender identity and orientation has a lot to do with early childhood parenting. Gender identity formation begins as early as 18 months and most children believe firmly by the age of three that they are either girls or boys. Both the father and mother play a very important role to help the child become secure in their gender. When secure attachment has been established with the parents from young, he/she will find it easier as they enter puberty. Gender role socialisation becomes very intense during adolescence. In early adolescence, males and females (and important adults in their lives) are especially vigilant to ensure gender role conformity (Steinberg & Morris, 2001). Parents and families have the potential to be an important stabilising influence in the development of adolescent sons' and daughters' identities. Family structure provides an important environment in which identity development occurs (Archer & Waterman, 1994). Two important concepts are individuation (where youth are encouraged to develop their own identity) and connectedness (which provides a secure base from which the youth can explore their identity). Parents and others can help the youth reflect on their identity and achieve a strong and healthy sense of self by facilitating both individuation and connectedness. This applies to the development of gender identity and also to other aspects of youth identity, including religious identity and family identity. As we become more aware of LGBT issues, may we be open to learning more so that we can do a better job as parents and caregivers in the gender development of our children. Hopefully then, they can grow up to be gender-confident adults. n Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children. |
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