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Posted: 21 Dec 2011 01:05 AM PST

HAVE you ever wondered how is it that some people have more robust and happier families? In the 1991 book by Dr Ray N. Guarendi and David P. Eich entitled Back To The Family: Proven Advice On Building A Stronger, Healthier, Happier Family, it presents the results of a three-year national search for strong families in the United States. The findings indicated that high-status jobs and good incomes were not essential to a healthy family life, or that the children went to the right schools. The parents studied were not seeking to be perfect, or even the best. lnstead, they valued reality over perfection.

The reality is that families have to be nurtured with love and support. The harsh reality is family life tends to take a back seat when it comes to life pursuits such as career and studies. The key, therefore, is to find windows of opportunity for "love rituals" to enhance family life.

Chances are there is a certain something our family did when we were a kid that is a cherished memory for us. Maybe it was the song our mum sang us at bedtime, or a special family code you shared. It is often the little things that make the best memories. Creating love rituals may not be difficult but when it comes to teens/tweens, they just don't seem to want to have anything to do with us!

What then can we do? The following are a few suggestions that you may want to try with your teens/tweens:

Date night

This is an excellent idea, especially if you have more than one child. It allows each child to once again enjoy 100% attention from each parent and feel special for who they are. It will require some planning and scheduling. Soon, you will have an exciting routine where each child will take turns to have date night with dad while mum takes care of the rest of the brood. Then each child will have a date with mum while dad watches over the other kids.

The key is to spend individual time with each child while making it fun. Have a nice meal at your favourite restaurant, chill at a coffee joint and you never know, this may be the beginning of many heart-to-heart talks.

Movie night

A classic idea and an all-time favourite (definitely with my family). Pop by the video store and pick up a great family movie. Then when you get home, pull out those portable mattresses to the living room, order a pizza or pop some popcorn, off the lights, and sit around to watch the movie together. Most kids absolutely love squashing on the mattresses. It is such a special time to spend together. The next day, you will have something to talk about.

Powerful memories

The teenage years can be challenging and tense. One way to ease the tension and build a bridge to the kids' hearts may be to bring out some pictures of you having fun with your teenager when she was little and share this special moment together. Sometimes you both really need a reminder of the happier people you once were – and what you hopefully will be again!

It is the holiday season and Christmas is just round the corner. You will easily realise that many of the most meaningful love rituals revolve around food, with families gathering to eat and celebrate together. Often the foods served at the meal are determined by tradition, with recipes passed down from generation to generation or specific family members preparing their specialties.

Regardless of race, culture or religion, from Hari Raya, Chinese New Year and Deepavali to Christmas, the foundation of these celebrations is the gathering of families to feast, to share food and to bond. As they say, families that eat together stay together.

Interestingly, many love rituals are designed specifically to celebrate the new generation. Some are as light-hearted and fun as the yearly birthday gathering for cake, ice cream and presents. Others are built upon meaningful, often symbolic, rituals marking the milestones along the path to maturity.

In each, it is the older generation celebrating the progress of the new generation, as one day that generation will do for its own children. Carried forward through the years by each new generation, love rituals are a powerful means of strengthening the bonds that hold families together. They serve to connect the older generation with the new, encouraging interaction through shared activities and values.

Here's wishing all readers a blessed and memorable Christmas. And may one of your new year resolutions be intentionally creating love rituals in your family life, thereby building lasting memories and fostering a sense of belonging that will be a source of joy for years to come!

> Charis Patrick is a trainer and family life educator who is married with four children.

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When less is more

Posted: 21 Dec 2011 01:04 AM PST

The writer tries her best to not give in to the commercialism of Christmas – and fails.

HAVE you gone to the malls recently? Yeah, the Christmas decorations are up and it's all shiny and sparkly, but have you seen the "sales" sign everywhere? Everyone's conspiring to empty your bank account!

All the prices are slashed – children's toys, clothes, jewellery, even food! It's Christmas after all, and the retailers are just making it easier for you to buy gifts for your loved ones. Also, don't forget, it's better to give than to receive; the shops certainly won't let you forget it.

This year, I decided to protest the commercialism of Christmas ... a little. The girls get ONE gift each, as opposed to the hundreds they got in previous years. When I announced it, they were puzzled. Was I kidding? Had I not finished the sentence? Surely, I meant that they get one gift each IF ... They thought it was a game, a trick to get them to do some chore.

First of all, I am not as devious a mother as they think I am. I usually just scream and shout for them to do something. Nothing stealthy there. Second of all, I am not as ineffective a mother as they'd like to think. If I wanted something done, I didn't need to resort to tricks; threats would do just fine.

Nope, I said. They each get one gift from me, full stop. There were protests and begging, but I was adamant. They could choose anything they wanted, but it would only be one.

This is as hard for me as it is for them. I wanted to get them a play kitchen, complete with mini pots and pans, and porcelain crockery! Then there was that beautiful wooden easel and the pots of acrylic paint I saw at the art shop. I also wanted to get Lauren her own scooter and Angelica a skateboard. And Shel Silverstein! That genius with the funny poems! I wanted to order all of his books for the girls to read.

But I tell myself, this is for the better. It'll teach the girls the value of money and to be happy with what they have, instead of always wanting more. It's also about logic. When you're given 10 gifts, you tend to be blah about them. When you're only given one, you would treasure it more.

So my kids set about deciding what they wanted. It was worse for Angelica, she of the long wish list. Lauren was pretty cool with the whole thing, and just told me she wanted a toy. But my elder spent days musing over her list, deciding which things she could live without and which to prioritise. Ah, the angst of being six years old.

I do feel a little guilty, depriving them of presents. But I grew up with simple Christmases too. It was usually a stay-over at my cousins' on Christmas eve, mass at midnight, and a present each after church. There was nothing extravagant or excessive about it. Our tree was a bamboo houseplant draped in cotton wool (for snow). I'm serious. Ask my mother about it.

The kids' presents are now wrapped and tucked under a proper Christmas tree. They've made peace with their solo gifts. They'll live.

Sometimes I think we, the parents, create this gifting requirement all by ourselves. We're obviously reliving our childhood vicariously through them. You never had a doll house? Go on and get one for your kids, complete with a barn and a jacuzzi in the backyard. You've always wanted to pitch a tent and sleep under the stars. Let's go get a tent and play camping with the kids on the front porch, even though all they want to do is go back into the house where there's air-conditioning.

So, stop it! Toys are fun, but they don't need hundreds of them. Once in a while, I let my kids play with the cardboard boxes that appliances come in, and they love it more than any new-fangled toy they have! So I suggest you save the money for toys and get yourself a new juicer this Christmas. The kids can play with the box.

Now, excuse me while I go wrap up the Shel Silverstein books that just arrived in the mail. I couldn't resist, it's Christmas after all! Feliz Navidad!

> Elaine Dong wishes all parents and kids a blessed Christmas and may each household get a new juicer this year. She blogs at www.angelolli.com.

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With daddy in the bowling alley

Posted: 21 Dec 2011 01:04 AM PST

HAVING your father as your coach can be daunting, especially if he is also the national coach.

However, Esther Cheah would probably not be a two-time world bowling champion if not for dad Holloway, a former national bowler and 1978 Asian Games champion.

Esther first caught media attention when she became the youngest to bag the gold medal in the Women's World Championships in Aalborg, Denmark, at the age of 19 in 2005. She was the first Malaysian female bowler to become world champion.

In 2006, she won the female Olympian of the Year after her outing at the 2006 Asian Games in Doha, Qatar, where she won two golds and two silvers.

In the 2007 SEA Games in Korat, Thailand, Esther earned three gold medals.

The 25-year-old, who missed the recent SEA Games due to a foot injury sustained after falling from the team bus, used to, as a young child, follow her dad to the bowling centre in Petaling Jaya, Selangor, where he worked as a coach and manager.

She started learning the fundamentals when she was seven, and eventually made it to the national team when she was in Form Four.

Holloway remembers consciously trying not to rush his daughter into competitions.

"Other coaches had earlier proposed to put her into the national youth team but I said no. I wanted to develop her basic skills first. In bowling, that's very important," says Cheah, 69, when met at the Megalanes Endah Parade bowling centre in Sri Petaling, Kuala Lumpur.

Hence, Esther only took part in major competitions when she was 16, becoming world champion three years later.

"God gave her the talent, but she also trained very hard and did not neglect her studies at the same time," adds Holloway with pride. (Esther has a psychology degree from the Nebraska-Lincoln University in the United States.)

Is it tough having this close family connection in the team?

"I draw the line very clearly. Inside the bowling alley, she is just one of my bowlers and there is no issue of favouritism," asserts the man who currently has 11 female and six male national bowlers under his charge.

Holloway says that, in fact, in the earlier years, he expected Esther to train harder than her peers and produce better results.

"Since I am her coach and father, I had higher expectations of her and I put a lot of unnecessary pressure on her. Many kids quit the sport due to too much pressure," he admits.

Esther reveals that quitting did indeed cross her mind twice, and she would have done so if not for her mum's encouragement.

"Her mother is the main force behind her career and should be the one credited for her success. I only provided the technical aspects," says Cheah of his homemaker wife, Joy.

What then is it like for Esther to have her father as coach and national coach?

"The best part is he knows my game, as he has been training me from the start. We also communicate better since I know him so well. However, as they say, familiarity breeds contempt and we do butt heads over the technical aspects of the game," says the bowler who has three older brothers aged between 26 and 38.

"When I was younger, Dad was very strict with me. And when I got scolded, I would feel like quitting. Mum, who's my emotional and spiritual support, acted as the mediator between us."

While urging parents to be involved in their child's sporting life, Holloway advises them to offer their support but not put undue pressure on the kid, and to leave the training aspects to the coach.

"The National Sports Council provides masseurs, physiotherapists and psychologists now.

"During my time, there was no such support.

"Therefore, all parents need to do these days is to assist in time management, give emotional support, and help neutralise their pressure," he says.

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Kredit: www.thestar.com.my

Rabu, 21 Disember 2011

The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting

The Star Online: Lifestyle: Parenting

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